The Fun "1"

Our baby boy has graduated into toddlerhood. Elijah had his first birthday last Friday. Brian went to work for the first time that week, since we had been iced in. Most places were closed. People were ice skating and skiing on the streets of downtown Atlanta. The Tuesday before was supposed to have been Elijah's last chemo treatment, but the weather chose differently. It would have been an easy-to-remember 1/11/11 at 11:00 appointment. Oh well. Next Friday it is!

We "celebrated" with a birthday dinner at a diner down the street, that was short-staffed and out of dessert. We then looped around town, snubbing "cool treats" for something warmer. We ended up at Dunkin Donuts, also nearly out of sweets, where we impaled a powdered munchkin with a stir stick and sang "Happy Birthday" to Elijah. We tossed Elijah a large $3.99 Blue ball, because (apparently) him enjoying his present is more important than me feeling good about it. (:grin: I love you, Brian!)

While we're on the subject, my brain is still whirring - disoriented and perplexed. We (i.e. Brian) went birthday shopping at Target and spent $8, and half of that was the birthday present. H-how did he get out of Target for $8? Th-there were $4 boys' shirts..a-and half-price Geotrax, and...sales! Glorious sales! I sit here trying to make sense of it all, wondering what I will say to my Am-Ex, still quivering in my pocket.

Well, Elijah likes the ball. Over Christmas vacation, he transitioned from mostly crawling to mostly walking, so chasing a belly-high ball is right up his alley. Besides, he had a proper party in Florida.

I'm still amazed by the things he's already figured out. The other day, I tried to zip through a shower, while Elijah banged at the shower door, sobbing on his waffle. I quickly dried off, calmed him and handed him back his soggy waffle. He mouthed it, decided he didn't care for it anymore, and waddled over to the trash and dumped the waffle. That would be handy if I didn't keep finding perfectly good sippy cups and books in the trash too.

Today, at breakfast, Brian began to say the blessing and Elijah babbled something and put his hands together in "prayer." I've also seen him signing "change," "up," "open," "book," "more," "eat," and playing along with "pat-a-cake." As far as actual words go, he says our names fairly clearly, but most everything else is a repetition of sounds and cadence. He's pretty adept at sound effects. He even does an unfortunately good representation of a scolding expression and voice, before giggling at himself. He has a great sense of humor.

He knows all about doors, socks, shirts and cars and concentrates quite hard on making them do their respective "things." He entertains himself "solving" boxes with lids and shape-sorting toys. His frustratingly solid object permanence abilities make him very hard to distract. This is all typical, but it never ceases to amaze me how quickly a baby can figure out his world.

He's an agile climber too. He zips up steps and onto riding toys, which he frequently tries to use like a scooter. When he doesn't want to be held, he's very hard to restrain. He's one determined boy.

I feel so blessed watching him grow, and seeing how unaffected he is, considering all he's been through. I remember all the prayers, meals, visits, donations, calls, cards and more from hundreds of friends, acquaintances and even strangers, that gave us the strength and comfort to endure Elijah's trials. God is so good and has held our sweet boy tightly in His hands, and has brought so many great people into our lives. I can't wait to see what He has in store for our little one as he grows!

23

The Lord is my Shepherd. He has provided.
I bask in the wholeness of my family, drinking up my sons and finding in each a unique and intoxicating bouquet. Again I smell, kiss, envelop the child for whom I've trembled. He grows so strong, snuggled in his garments, the tightly-knitted prayers of a multitude. His laughter is a resounding praise to the Architect of galaxies and dragonfly wings.

I exhale into a pillow of His calm refuge. I feel warm rays of relief seep into the window of my soul.
I search my heart for the will and wisdom to teach my treasured ones Your love, for it is all that matters.

I have crawled to the edge of a ravine so fearful and desolate, at which my eyes plead to never again glimpse. Yet, when collapsed on my knees in helpless petition, how much closer I am to You. Your rod has steadfastly conquered lions. Your staff gently nudges me to safety. I am secure in Your stronghold.

I am blessed beyond measure. May I not fail to seize an opportunity to fill another's cup.

Holding hands, my husband and I take humbled, hopeful and passionately prayerful steps, guiding three precious little ones toward manhood. We rejoice that You will persue us with Your love, every breath of our lives, for we are but ignorantly wandering lambs. May we five relentlessly look to You always.

Wait Lifting

As I wait again in the family waiting area for a NICU surgery to wrap up, I'm reminded of the difficult lessons I'm learning. The first is patience. I'm learning that God has a timeline and I'm better off letting go of mine and embracing His. I have a matryoshka doll of "waits" bobbling in my mind. I have the big waits of wondering when my baby will be healed and when he will be home. I have littler waits nested within of when will the chest tube come out? and when will the doctors trust our breastfeeding to grow his body? There are surrounding waits of when will the NICU let us back in so I can see my baby? and when will the doctor tell me about the last scan?

My whole day is a succession of waits, big and small. I'm not good at waiting, at least not through all these unknowns. If God could just send me a messenger to say, "Elijah will be fine and you will be home together soon," I could wait in peace; If I knew it would all work out, I could endure almost anything in the meanwhile. Over the last 8 weeks, I think I've been decompressing a bit. My 6-week hopeful mental deadline came and went with no homecoming. I've let go of trying to guess when we'll have him back and have relaxed into knowing he is where he should be. He'll leave when the time is right. I'm trying to lift my waits to God and believe that the "whens" don't matter next to God's will. Our world is in His hands.

As I sit here moping, I tear up a bit when I see a father across the room hang up his cell phone and burst into a relieved cry, "She's okay!" The family circles up for hugs and a prayer of thanksgiving. It was his daughter's surgery I was waiting on to get back to see my son. He was waiting for her life. As my waits are put in perspective, I want to jump up and join the group hug to celebrate with them.

My second, and equally-challenging lesson is relinquishing my self-reliance. Floods of offers for help have come in from friends, family and acquaintances. For the first weeks, I couldn't think of what I needed, aside from stability for our boys, which family was providing. I wasn't sure there was anything to need. I felt bad because I could tell people genuinely want to help, but I've been so autonomous I couldn't come up with anything. Finally, someone, not knowing the wisdom of her actions, practically forced help upon us. We, very uncomfortably, accepted lunch for a week from near-strangers.

I felt very humbled, if not a little uneasy, to have meals delivered to the hospital each day by people who spent the time, effort and money to cook or order them. Quickly, though, the blessing manifested itself. The warmth of a tasty meal, delivered in love, nourished our hearts and bellies. We had something wonderful and reliable to look forward to each day. That gave me the courage and humility to ask our devoted church members for a few meals we could keep in our deep freezer for those evenings when we don't have enough juice left to cook. Someone passed out 42 casserole pans in church and from that day we have not had to cook a single dinner!  What a blessing and a relief!

I don't know why I developed my independent nature. It's been too important to me to solve my own problems and meet my own needs. It doesn't make much sense to me, because in the other direction, I'll do just about anything for just about anybody for the sheer joy of helping someone. I like to be a contributor. So, why is it so hard to be a recipient? Why is it so uncomfortable for me to feel so indebted to so many people and to know I could probably never repay each person, and *gulp* could probably not even list each person that has helped us. Why do I feel the need to repay deeds that were done without expectation, and perhaps even causing offense if I tried? If I were to think as a giver, I would want my recipient to feel at peace with my gift - to feel relief from the burden that has been lifted by my gift - and to go about her day, free to focus on what matters.

As I write these words, I'm seeing a big blinking arrow pointing to some important truths. People need people. We weren't meant to handle everything on our own. Sometimes a harder lesson than learning to give is learning to receive - to accept what we need from those who freely give. Most importantly, I'm reminded to daily accept the gift of life that God had freely given. We each need to accept it with gratitude and peace, understanding that we will never deserve it, earn it, or be able to repay it. We owe no debts; we've been freed to focus on loving Him and each other. What a blessing and a relief!